This all came up when a friend of mine asked if they could test how ready I am for fatherhood. The test consisted of one question only. This question is number one below, and I have added a few more to make it a proper assessment. It’s certified by several examining boards, but they cannot find your exam papers, so they won’t be able to give you any marks. Have a go; see if you’re ready to be a dad!
Am I ready to be a dad?
An easy-to-do assessment of how ready you are to be a father. Play along and see how you do!
Do I have CDs that will make my children cringe when I play them?
a) Oh yes. Plenty.
b) maybe a couple.
c) Definitely not, I strictly listen to "trendy" chart pap.
Do I sigh when I find out that 12 year olds have lost their virginity while drunk?
a) Yes.
B) No.
c) Why should I? That's normal, isn't it?
Am I already dreaming of the nice things of being a dad, and desperately trying to ignore the bad things?
a) Definitely.
b) Nope, my feet are rooted to the ground.
c) There are no bad things. I’m going to get it pissed and then watch it choke on a spliff while I ride round on my stupidly tiny motorbike.
Have I practiced changing the nappies yet?
a) Nope.
b) Every day for at least an hour.
c) Only on the pets when I was drunk.
Is the most common thought you have about names for the baby?
a) No. I think about it, and have a few favourites, but I am not obsessed.
b) Are you kidding? I have notepads full of suggestions I carry with me!
c) I thought they already come with names...
Are you hoping to be there for the birth?
a) Yes, but I am scared I'll faint!
b) No. I will be there. I have bored everyone at work letting them know that the birth may be soon, so I may have to leave early that day…
c) Depends if I can use my ps2 at the same time.
Will you have a video camera with you to record the occasion?
a) No. I want to be part of things and might be needed to do something important.
b) Yes. It's our family heritage, and my duty.
c) If I can nick one in time.
Answers:
Mostly a's - you're ready to be a dad. Just the right amount of crackpot-logic and future embarrassment is stored in your mind to deal with situations with the casual use of the phrase "ask your mother". Ideally prepared.
Mostly b's - Oh dear. You'll probably chant ancient african birth rituals in the birth tee-pee in which your wife/partner/soulmate/spiritual connection has chosen to bring your poor offspring into the world. You will probably name them Rufus. Or Bangalore (because that's where you both "found yourselves").
Mostly c's - You are a chav. You will probably break up with the 12-year-old mother of your child next week, so what's the point in thinking about this? You should have been neutered at birth. With Burberry scissors if that would make it a little easier for you.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Shocking or just pathetic...?
Two things have really caught my attention recently - one is this, a debate which has been sparked off by the Alpha Course cinema advert which has just been launched, and the Christian Advertising Network's Christmas campaign (which I rather like, I have to admit). In turn, reading about this led me back (somehow) led me back to this - and the whole debate on the BBC's screening of Jerry Springer The Opera.
I hated the debate that rose out of the showing of it. I could see where many Christians were coming from, and that there is a certain amount of double-standards in the way that Christianity was treated in relation to other religions (ie. Christianity is seen rather more as "fair game" than other religions) but I don't see how that could be on the same level as some of the arguments that went on.
There's a commonly-held view that the church as a whole (let's forget about denominations and the rest of it for my rather vague purposes) is out of date, and desperately trying to convince the outside world that they are wrong, and what happens inside the church is what is right. Perhaps this isn't so unfair a statement than it first appears - and to my mind, the reaction of some Christians to the show demonstrated this to be true.
OK, so it can be offensive to sensitive people. I won't argue with that. But it is a show designed to shock. Stewart Lee (the writer) has had a good record on religious humour that is genuinely funny and incisive, not just the kind of joke that your minister begins his or her sermon with on a Sunday morning or needlessly shocking like some comics do these days - there's a point to what he says, and he questions sensibly as well as using flights of fancy.
There is always a risk when you get to religious humour - there's a very fine line to walk which usually means you either sacrifice a few people's sensitivity or any genuine humour. It's either going to be funny or shocking, and Jerry Springer - The Opera does both of these, and does them well. It is always the shows, comedians and the like which tread this line who become legendary - Bill Hicks, Peter Cook, Monty Python etc. They don't just influence comedy, they influence culture and the society's climate we live in. There's nothing wrong with challenging either the establishment or the beliefs of others, but challenging is different from insulting or discriminating against.
I hold the belief that religion is as much fair game for comedy as anything else in life. Whether I am right or wrong, I'll live the best life I can and leave the judging to the Big G. I'm also not particularly sensitive when it comes to comedy - not a great deal shocks me, and I really enjoyed JSTO, but I can distinguish between fiction and reality quite easily these days. I'm not sure why people have such a problem with having a sense of humour. I understand that not being able to not take everything totally seriously all the time is a) not healthy and b) going to drive you mad.
This, I believe, is as true for religion as anything else. If we think about it, a lot of what we do in churches is tradition - and some of it can look ridiculous (especially to "outsiders"). I read the Bible several times a week, and I take what I can from what I am reading, but I don't think laughing at the Bible is a crime for which people should be ex-communicated and burnt in the fires of hell. After all, being able to laugh at ourselves is something the British are supposed to be able to do rather well, and its pretty healthy for you I think. If a belief in God is part of who you are, then why shouldn't you laugh at that part of you as much as anyone else?
People who take the Bible utterly seriously and live by the exact word rather than the spirit is the kind of person who develops into a really picky referee. And yes, the clue to what type of person they are lies in the word fundamentalist. Mentalists.
Kapeesh?!
I hated the debate that rose out of the showing of it. I could see where many Christians were coming from, and that there is a certain amount of double-standards in the way that Christianity was treated in relation to other religions (ie. Christianity is seen rather more as "fair game" than other religions) but I don't see how that could be on the same level as some of the arguments that went on.
There's a commonly-held view that the church as a whole (let's forget about denominations and the rest of it for my rather vague purposes) is out of date, and desperately trying to convince the outside world that they are wrong, and what happens inside the church is what is right. Perhaps this isn't so unfair a statement than it first appears - and to my mind, the reaction of some Christians to the show demonstrated this to be true.
OK, so it can be offensive to sensitive people. I won't argue with that. But it is a show designed to shock. Stewart Lee (the writer) has had a good record on religious humour that is genuinely funny and incisive, not just the kind of joke that your minister begins his or her sermon with on a Sunday morning or needlessly shocking like some comics do these days - there's a point to what he says, and he questions sensibly as well as using flights of fancy.
There is always a risk when you get to religious humour - there's a very fine line to walk which usually means you either sacrifice a few people's sensitivity or any genuine humour. It's either going to be funny or shocking, and Jerry Springer - The Opera does both of these, and does them well. It is always the shows, comedians and the like which tread this line who become legendary - Bill Hicks, Peter Cook, Monty Python etc. They don't just influence comedy, they influence culture and the society's climate we live in. There's nothing wrong with challenging either the establishment or the beliefs of others, but challenging is different from insulting or discriminating against.
I hold the belief that religion is as much fair game for comedy as anything else in life. Whether I am right or wrong, I'll live the best life I can and leave the judging to the Big G. I'm also not particularly sensitive when it comes to comedy - not a great deal shocks me, and I really enjoyed JSTO, but I can distinguish between fiction and reality quite easily these days. I'm not sure why people have such a problem with having a sense of humour. I understand that not being able to not take everything totally seriously all the time is a) not healthy and b) going to drive you mad.
This, I believe, is as true for religion as anything else. If we think about it, a lot of what we do in churches is tradition - and some of it can look ridiculous (especially to "outsiders"). I read the Bible several times a week, and I take what I can from what I am reading, but I don't think laughing at the Bible is a crime for which people should be ex-communicated and burnt in the fires of hell. After all, being able to laugh at ourselves is something the British are supposed to be able to do rather well, and its pretty healthy for you I think. If a belief in God is part of who you are, then why shouldn't you laugh at that part of you as much as anyone else?
People who take the Bible utterly seriously and live by the exact word rather than the spirit is the kind of person who develops into a really picky referee. And yes, the clue to what type of person they are lies in the word fundamentalist. Mentalists.
Kapeesh?!
Back from the wilds
What a busy wee chappie I have been recently. I can hardly walk for the aching in my muscles...
In the last two weeks - Nikki and I have been to our first ante-natal classes - we've had two now in fact, and I've been down to the wonderful north coast of Cornwall.The ante-natal classes were fine - quite fun really. The first week we did a lot of getting-to-know-you stuff, which are usually cringeworthy and not very nice to go through, but these weren't too bad. We did some quizzes in small groups to see how much we already knew, and then talked about some of the practical things about babies- ie. poo and nappies.Week two was slightly less interactive - we talked about the birth, what happens, when it happens, and where the dads should stand if they feel like they're going to faint. Interestingly, it wasn't in the middle of the room so you could be looked after... We also did a bit on massage, and I've had to add massage to my list of duties now!
My trip to Cornwall was lovely, but too short for my liking, and in the end it was hard to keep paying attention in the class after having spent six hours previously on trains getting home from Cornwall in time! Aside from the journey it was nice to see the place again, and made sure that a lot of the worries I have had are pushed firmly into perspective once and for all! And of course, it gave me some lovely scenery to go and look at when I got too nervous to watch the last day of the test match on Monday! Next time I go, we'll be accompanied by a wonderful little poo machine! Still, at least it's a good excuse to start buying all those beach toys again!
Pip pip for now!
In the last two weeks - Nikki and I have been to our first ante-natal classes - we've had two now in fact, and I've been down to the wonderful north coast of Cornwall.The ante-natal classes were fine - quite fun really. The first week we did a lot of getting-to-know-you stuff, which are usually cringeworthy and not very nice to go through, but these weren't too bad. We did some quizzes in small groups to see how much we already knew, and then talked about some of the practical things about babies- ie. poo and nappies.Week two was slightly less interactive - we talked about the birth, what happens, when it happens, and where the dads should stand if they feel like they're going to faint. Interestingly, it wasn't in the middle of the room so you could be looked after... We also did a bit on massage, and I've had to add massage to my list of duties now!
My trip to Cornwall was lovely, but too short for my liking, and in the end it was hard to keep paying attention in the class after having spent six hours previously on trains getting home from Cornwall in time! Aside from the journey it was nice to see the place again, and made sure that a lot of the worries I have had are pushed firmly into perspective once and for all! And of course, it gave me some lovely scenery to go and look at when I got too nervous to watch the last day of the test match on Monday! Next time I go, we'll be accompanied by a wonderful little poo machine! Still, at least it's a good excuse to start buying all those beach toys again!
Pip pip for now!
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