Are YOU Ready?

This all came up when a friend of mine asked if they could test how ready I am for fatherhood. The test consisted of one question only. This question is number one below, and I have added a few more to make it a proper assessment. It’s certified by several examining boards, but they cannot find your exam papers, so they won’t be able to give you any marks. Have a go; see if you’re ready to be a dad!

Am I ready to be a dad?

An easy-to-do assessment of how ready you are to be a father. Play along and see how you do!

Do I have CDs that will make my children cringe when I play them?
a) Oh yes. Plenty.
b) maybe a couple.
c) Definitely not, I strictly listen to "trendy" chart pap.

Do I sigh when I find out that 12 year olds have lost their virginity while drunk?
a) Yes.
B) No.
c) Why should I? That's normal, isn't it?

Am I already dreaming of the nice things of being a dad, and desperately trying to ignore the bad things?
a) Definitely.
b) Nope, my feet are rooted to the ground.
c) There are no bad things. I’m going to get it pissed and then watch it choke on a spliff while I ride round on my stupidly tiny motorbike.

Have I practiced changing the nappies yet?
a) Nope.
b) Every day for at least an hour.
c) Only on the pets when I was drunk.

Is the most common thought you have about names for the baby?
a) No. I think about it, and have a few favourites, but I am not obsessed.
b) Are you kidding? I have notepads full of suggestions I carry with me!
c) I thought they already come with names...

Are you hoping to be there for the birth?
a) Yes, but I am scared I'll faint!
b) No. I will be there. I have bored everyone at work letting them know that the birth may be soon, so I may have to leave early that day…
c) Depends if I can use my ps2 at the same time.

Will you have a video camera with you to record the occasion?
a) No. I want to be part of things and might be needed to do something important.
b) Yes. It's our family heritage, and my duty.
c) If I can nick one in time.


Answers:

Mostly a's - you're ready to be a dad. Just the right amount of crackpot-logic and future embarrassment is stored in your mind to deal with situations with the casual use of the phrase "ask your mother". Ideally prepared.

Mostly b's - Oh dear. You'll probably chant ancient african birth rituals in the birth tee-pee in which your wife/partner/soulmate/spiritual connection has chosen to bring your poor offspring into the world. You will probably name them Rufus. Or Bangalore (because that's where you both "found yourselves").

Mostly c's - You are a chav. You will probably break up with the 12-year-old mother of your child next week, so what's the point in thinking about this? You should have been neutered at birth. With Burberry scissors if that would make it a little easier for you.